If there was a silver bullet to fix all your problems, it would be being present. In this heartfelt episode, Jeffrey Saad dives into the essence of truly valuing and adoring your partner. Inspired by a refreshing surf session, Jeffrey reflects on the power of presence and the importance of prioritizing what truly matters—your loved ones. Drawing from personal experiences and poignant anecdotes, he emphasizes the significance of making your partner feel cherished and adored. Whether it’s through thoughtful gestures, meaningful conversations, or simply showing up with intention, discover how small, consistent actions can transform your relationship into something extraordinary. Join us as we explore practical tips and heartfelt advice for nurturing love that lasts.
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Calling All Husbands! Adore Your Wife As You Should
I got out of the water surfing. I’m waterlogged. It was such a reminder to me when I got out of the water. I’ve never been a big fan of the concept of a silver bullet that’s going to change all your life and fix all your problems, but if there was one, it would be being present. That’s what it would be. When you are present, that’s all there is. Everything else goes away. What’s interesting is you have to find a way to get present. It’s easy to say, “Be present.” We’re all running around like maniacs, working, family life, love, and action. That’s what happens.
If you have an activity, for me, without a doubt, that is surfing. You paddle out and you’re watching the sunrise and getting wet. It’s cold but in a refreshing way, and then all of a sudden, your buddies start coming into the water. It becomes a community. You’re pushing yourself. You’re doing something that can be a little intense and make you better and fulfilled.
We all have to find time for these things. If you’re already doing it, congrats. If you’re not, push yourself. Find a way. I promise you. One of the top things I believe is that work will fill the space you give it. If you’re going to work seven days, you will have plenty of work to do. If you decide to work four days, that’s how much work you’ll do. Schedule your time with your loved ones. Schedule time for what makes you better. Learn, whether it’s an instrument or a French class like I do. Whatever it is, schedule that stuff first, and then the time that’s left, you work.
For me, everything in life is about a reduction. Coming from my background as a chef, if you get rid of the water and the excess, you’re left with concentrated, amazing flavor. That’s how life should be. Get rid of the extra. Don’t let yourself work too much. Say, “I’m going to find a way to be better, get better, and do what I need to do in the time that I give it and no more.” That’s a little bit of a tangent to this episode’s topic.
Adore Your Wife
This episode’s topic is adore your wife. I’m going to say, “Her,” a lot because I’m talking about my wife, Nadia, who I adore, and our marriage. This goes out to guys because I’ve got a lot of guy friends and I see guys out there and I don’t think they adore their wives enough. I don’t think they make their wives feel like they’re on a pedestal, and they deserve that. I’m going to talk about that. I want you to know that as I say, “Her,” and refer to my wife and all this stuff, this applies to any two humans on earth that love each other and want to thrive. This applies to everybody and everything, but I have a passion for talking to husbands and guys about how they’re making their wives feel.
I met my wife walking down the street in San Francisco. You may have read this in a past episode, so I’ll try to keep it quick. I’m walking down the street. I’m building my first restaurant. I’m 24 years old. I’m working at another restaurant around the corner. I’m walking down the street and I see this woman. She stops me dead in my tracks.
I can still picture those huge green eyes, this jet-black hair, and these beautiful cheekbones. She was like this foreign goddess to me. She’s Iranian. She grew up in Italy. I’m like, “I have to talk to her.” We spoke, and then I floated away. I don’t even know if I walked. I was floating. I went into the restaurant where I was working while I was building mine and said, “I met my wife.” That’s it. They were all like, “Right.” I’m like, “I did.”
The reason I tell that story is because everybody out there has a version of that story. It’s that initial love, that romance, and that feeling of like, “This is my person. We’re going to fly to the moon together,” then, life happens. All of a sudden, instead of flying to the moon, you’re trying to wake up in the morning and get it done. Chivalry is not dead. We need to honor our wives. We need to make them feel incredible, valued, and loved. Why? It’s because it feels good. To me, it’s the right thing to do, and it’s hard.
Chivalry is not dead. We need to honor our wives. We need to make them feel incredible, valued, and loved. Share on XOne of the most important things in the world is relationships. Everything I’m talking about here, there’s no training for that. Nobody said, “Here’s your manual.” I bought a carbonator for water and I’ve got enough paperwork in there to keep you busy for days. When you get married, you don’t get any instructions. You get nothing. It’s like being a parent. The only instruction you might get is the example.
One of my favorite quotes is, “I don’t hear what you say because who you are speaks so loudly.” It’s the way we act our daily behaviors that define who we are. Maybe you were lucky and you had parents that were a good example. That’s why I threw out that quote because a good example is the best thing in the world. You’re like, “I want to be like that. That looks good. That makes sense.” If you grow up seeing parents not treating each other well, that doesn’t set the stage for putting your partner on a pedestal.
It’s a shame to use the excuse, “I’m working so hard to support this family. I’m doing this. I’m doing that.” A good friend of mine, George, said something to me in London. I was doing an apprenticeship at Anton Mosimann, cooking away when I was 23 years old, right after I graduated culinary school. I had called it off with my fiancée. I was engaged in my senior year in college.
I’ll never forget being in London. I was working fifteen hours a day. I was delirious, so that probably didn’t help. I said to him, “I hope I did the right thing by calling this off.” He said, “What makes her special?” I was like, “She’s a good person. She comes from a good family. She loves me. She treats me well. She’s honest.”
He sat there with furrowed brows and was like, “That sounds like a prerequisite for anybody you’d want to be with. Why her?” That was a life-changing moment because when I met Nadia, my wife, I knew that I had made the right decision because I didn’t have to make a checklist. I didn’t have to justify or figure it out. I had to be with her. I wanted to make her feel special.
She had a really rough childhood as well. She had to work in high school at Burger King at the fry machine. Before the fry machines were automatic with a little robot arm, she had to hold those baskets and shake them all night to help pay rent. She and her mom slept on the floor because they couldn’t afford furniture when they first came here.
Here they are in Brentwood, Los Angeles, one of the fanciest neighborhoods in the city, in a little one-bedroom apartment. If people only knew how they were living as they fought to make a life here. I had this extra special love for my wife. I was like, “Never again will she feel that way. I will never let her be in this place of scarcity and wondering if things will be okay. I’m going to make her feel like the queen that she deserves to be.”
The reason I tell that story about George and about the fiancée is because it’s good that you work and make a living. It’s good that you provided a house. It’s good that you love your family. Those are the prerequisites. What are you doing to be that amazing husband and father? As they say, “Leave the crown in the garage.” It doesn’t matter what you’re out there tackling in the world. Your wife deserves when you get home to feel heard, seen, and unconditionally loved.
Here’s my test for you. If your wife said, “Write down the three things that are the most important to me in this world. Write down the three things that I need from you. What are the three things that I need from you?” would you be able to flip that piece of paper over and would your wife go, “That’s exactly it?” They wouldn’t even have to flip the paper over if you were already doing those things because then, it wouldn’t need to be confirmed.
The cool thing about it is I do it because, as my good friend Charlie says, “When you die, make sure you’ve given more than you’ve taken.” That’s how I feel about marriage. I want to give more than I take. My default position is not what I am getting. I’m human. I have needs. I want what I want, too, and that should be an open dialogue. My general focus is what I can give and what I can do to keep her always happy and keep that love and enthusiasm when we first met. Why should that fade? It’s not going to be the total new romance, but how do you do this?
Little Things Matter
A while ago, I texted my wife at 3:00 in the afternoon and said, “Be ready at 7:00. We’re going out for dinner. I’ve got a place to take you to.” It was great. We work together. She earns her own money. It’s not like I need to take her out for dinner. She can do whatever she wants, but it made her feel good to be like, “I’m being taken on a date. It’s a surprise. I don’t know where it is.”
I have this tattoo of Nadia and a little heart. I tattooed it because, for years, I’ve drawn that picture in the mirror. I’m always up early. When she wakes up in the morning, she sees this stick figure picture of her and I with a big heart around it. I’ll add a little note. I’ll draw a circle with an arrow and say, “Most beautiful woman in the world.”
Some of this might sound to some of you guys, “Shut up. First of all, you’re making me look bad. Second of all, you know, I’m not feeling this.” This is only for the people who want to take that relationship to the next level and who want to make their partner or their wife feel like the most special person in the world. Those little notes and those little pictures on the mirror, those things matter. Also, the little random dates.
When was the last time you left a little note in your wife’s purse that’s like, “Have an amazing day. I’m going to be thinking about you all day,” or as silly as it sounds, when was the last time your wife came home to flowers? When people say, “How do you always know what to get your wife?” I’m like, “I listen. That’s all.” As guys, we are the simpler species, for sure. All you have to do is listen. They will tell you what they want most times.
Frog In The Pot
You can use the excuse, “I can’t read between the lines. Tell me. I don’t know what you’re thinking.” You should know what they’re thinking because when you care enough and you pay attention, you’ll see what matters to them. We have one friend in particular. She’s this creative, amazing woman and she struggles to feel the attention and love from her husband. That’s what triggered me to do this show. It pains me to watch her feel sad, be sad, and defend him because she adores and loves him, and they’ve been together for decades.
That’s the problem, too. It’s the frog in the pot theory. You put a frog in a pot of cold water and turn the fire on. The water will get warm so slowly that by the time it boils, the frog’s dead. He doesn’t jump out. He could jump out and save himself, but he couldn’t because it happened so slowly. The next thing you know, you’re boiled.
Relationships are like that. It happens really slowly, and then all of a sudden, how’d you get rich? Slowly? Overnight, how’d you go broke? Slowly? Overnight, it’s like, “What happened to your relationship?” Someone answers, “I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden, it wasn’t the same. We weren’t in love.” It doesn’t have to be all of a sudden.
When you go to get your marriage license, you’d have to sit down with some counselor and a packet. It’d be like, “Here’s your stay-happy-forever packet.” There’d be worksheets in there. In the beginning, when you’re first married, maybe it’s every 3 months or 6 months. Once you get into a more developed relationship in year 5, year 6, or year 7, maybe the check-in is only every 6 months.
If there was a system in place of, “Are you happy? What do you need from me? What’s missing? We know it’s not a perfect world, but in a perfect world, what would you like to see from me?” I call it the 80/20 rule. Everything in life, it’s the 20% that drives everything. The 80% is fluff. What’s the 20% that your wife needs? If we were checking in like that, we would know, but you have to ask and you have to want it.
Also, I’m probably selfish because the truth is it makes me feel better. When I know she’s happy and fulfilled, it makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong. Not for a second am I saying, “You need to be a slave to your wife. That’s all that matters. Your needs don’t matter.” Not at all. This goes both directions. This applies both ways. I’m making the focus on women, wives, and my wife in general that I feel they deserve to feel like they’re the most important person in the world.
I say I’m selfish because I end up feeling better, and it makes me feel good to know that my wife feels that way. One day, when I have the kids on the show, they’ll tell you their truth because I can’t speak for them, but I hope I’ve shown them what a good marriage looks like and that my wife and I have shown them what it feels like to be parents.
I’ve talked about in past episodes that we keep traveling. Even when the kids were young, I was like, “She’s the reason you’re here. We’re out of here.” It’s showing kids that it’s awesome to be a parent, not that it means suffering, that it means, you know, not taking care of yourself anymore, not dressing well anymore, or feeling stressed. That’s not the message we have to send. It makes me feel better to know that I’ve been a good dad and a good husband.
What’s cool is the more this stuff you do, everything spirals upward. That’s the cool thing. The second you start making that list of, “Why isn’t she doing this? Why isn’t she doing that?” everything starts spiraling down because that’s where you’re putting your energy. I truly believe in energy. This might sound terrible, but some people are always sick or always struggling with something. Other people always seem to be like, “Life’s good.” Part of that’s luck. Part of that’s DNA. Part of that’s upbringing.
There are a million excuses, but the reality is the biggest piece of it is you can choose to be in a good state of mind. You can make decisions that allow you to be at your best. That’s what it’s always about. To me, it’s about showing up as your best self. That’s why I went surfing. That’s why I took my French class even though I had a bunch of clients and business going on.
There are a million excuses, but the reality is the biggest piece of it is you can choose to be in a good state of mind. You can make decisions that allow you to be at your best. Share on XWe try to wear it as a badge of honor. We’re like, “Look how much I’m working. Look how much I’m sacrificing. I’m doing all these great things because I’m a great worker, there for my clients, and taking care of my family.” The irony is, are you? You do show up and do more for the people you care about, whether it is your clients, your family, or your loved ones, when you’ve taken care of yourself first and when you have a balanced life.
It’s up to you to make the decision. I always say start with what you want your life to look like and then work backward. If you keep being a doer and you keep hammering forward, you’ll always be lost until one day when you finally wake up, which, hopefully, it’s not on your deathbed, and you’re like, “What have I done with my life? How did this happen?”
You’ve heard me say this. I live my life that if I die tomorrow, it’s okay. The last thing I’ll do is smile big and say, “Thank you,” because I have no would-haves, should-haves, and could-haves. I’ve decided long ago that this is the framework for my life. That’s my personal constitution. You can click back and read that in another episode. When you have that personal constitution and internal compass, automatically, it keeps you at true north. It guides you. That’s what you need to do.
What Can You Do Better?
If you don’t feel like your relationship is what you want it to be, don’t accept it, like, “That’s the way it is. We’ve been together twenty years.” For my wife and I, it’s unbelievable. We’re going to have our 30th in no time. It’s better every year. I love her. It’s good stuff, but it’s work. We’ve had a lot of challenges, too. When my wife’s ready, we’ll get on here and share some big challenges. We’ve worked through them and we keep getting better. We keep landing at a higher place.
Start with yourself, like, “What can I do better?” How often do we say that? Not, “Let me make a list of what I need.” Start with a list of, “What do I think she needs? What’s missing?” Pay attention. Is she in a good place? Is something missing? Is she going through the motions? Try to figure that out and then see what you need. Sit down together and talk.
I’m always amazed. I feel like I’m some kind of weirdo, and I probably am. Let’s end it with that. I’m strange. Why don’t people sit down and have these conversations, like, “What do you need? What do I need? How do we do this?” We were talking to this one friend of ours. I said, “It doesn’t have to change overnight. This is not about, “Let me make our marriage perfect by a week from Monday. Check.” These are baby steps.” Kaizen, I’ve always talked about that. It is the art of being 1% better every day.
Start by sitting down in a quiet place with no distractions and say, “Where are we at? Where are we compared to where we want to be? What is the gap?” Remember. No defending. No judging. No anger. It’s calm. It’s like, “Where are we at? What are the top three things you need from me?” Write them down because you care that much. You’re like, “How do we do this? What’s the 20% you’re missing?” or, “What’s the 20% you need? Let’s talk about this.”
You’re then like, “I can do this right away. I’m ashamed. I can’t believe all I had to do was say, “Good morning,” and, “I love you,” in the mornings to remind you how much I adore you and how much that would make your day if that’s what it is. Got it. Check mark. Done. These two? I didn’t realize that.” Don’t go to the defensive place where you’re like, “I didn’t realize that because I thought I was so wonderful.” Stop and go, “That’s huge because I didn’t know that, and that matters to me. What would that look like for you? How would we get that done?”
Stay in the question. This is not about you selling something or defending something. This is about you loving and wanting to understand, “What would that look like? How can we get there? What’s a reasonable timeframe for you? If I start by being home by 3:00 every Friday, would that be a fair start, and then we can build from there?”
My wife said to our friend the other day that the key after that is to have check-ins. First, you have to truly care and understand what they need. Then, you need to identify what that plan’s going to look like. It’s like, “What are we going to do?” You need to check in at the beginning of every week. That’s a great excuse to have a date night, a dinner, a breakfast, or whatever your jam is.
Check-in with each other like, “How am I doing? Where are we at with this? What do you need from me?” What’s cool is it’s a race to the top. You’ll start finding that you’re both going out of your way to make sure the other one is good. That’s a great life. Also, guess what? Your kids are going to see that and it’s going to make them fulfilled.
Life is such a beautiful journey. It is a shame to not adore, be adored, and make your partner feel that way. Think about those things. I hope that helps. When you stop tuning in to this, go home and kiss your wife, your partner, or whoever it is you love, and say, “What do you need from me? I’m going to make it happen.” Cheers. Have a beautiful day.
Important Links
- My First Restaurant Sweet Heat and the Love of My Life Nadia – Past Episode