Are you ready to dive deep into the wild ride of parenting? Whether you’re already navigating the ups and downs of raising kids or pondering if it’s the right path for you, this episode is a heartfelt exploration of the incredible journey that is parenthood. From sleepless nights and diaper changes to the profound moments that shape us as parents and individuals, Jeffrey Saad shares candid experiences and powerful insights. You’ll hear about the joys and struggles, the importance of maintaining balance in life, and the challenges that come with raising children in today’s world. Tune in to discover why the toughest journeys often lead to the most rewarding destinations.
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Choosing Parenthood: A Father’s Take On The Highs And Lows Of Raising Kids
Let’s talk about parenting. For those of you parents, you’re probably “This is heavy.” For those of you who don’t have kids, you’re probably “Let’s hit stop now.” Maybe you should listen because what’s incredible about parenting is it’s a choice. As with everything in life, choose your path. It’s not that one path is better or worse. It’s that you love the path you’re on and I love the path I’ve chosen. I love being a dad. I love making a difference in these kids’ lives.
By the way, no matter what I say, one of these days, I’m going to have the kids on and they can confirm or deny anything I’ve said here because, like everything in life, this is my version through my eyes and you want to be the best parents you can be, just like hopefully you want to be the best friend you can be and the best partner you can be.
Do You Want Kids?
Ultimately, I always say, just like being present, you don’t get to say, “I’m present.” Other people decide that for you. This is through the eyes of my experience, the feedback I’ve gotten and what I’ve seen, but ultimately, it’s about how they perceive it. What’s interesting about parenting as I met this girl much, long ago, a younger girl, and she said, “I don’t know if I want to have kids or if I just think I’m supposed to have kids.”
It was very interesting. That’s like a heavyweight, especially for the newer generation. Everyone’s having kids later, it seems like now, anyway. Nadia and I had our first kid at 25 years old. We were like the only one in our friend group in San Francisco. We were going to parties with Bjorn. Had my restaurant, Sweet Heat.
I literally would have Isabella as a baby in the Bjorn while I’m busting tables and talking to guests. I think maybe it was my little fantasy. That’s why she loves food so much and cooking. She’s been around it since birth, but we were young and people are having kids later these days. I think it is important to say, “Why do I want to do this?” “What’s it going to look like?”
It is because my wife and I were, “Let’s have a couple of kids. Why not? We love each other. We’ll pop out a few kids, change some diapers, do the school thing. When they’re eighteen, we’re free. We’re done.” Yes, right. For all you parents out there, whatever stage you’re in, and if you’re not at the eighteen stage yet and that’s what you thought was going to happen, I have bad news for you because it just keeps going.
The challenges just change, but it’s okay because the thing to remember is, like everything in life, the really painful things are worthwhile. If it’s easy, your life is going to be downhill and boring. You need these challenges but I always say, “You have to get into it.” Saying that I’m committed to this journey. It’s like people used to say to me, “Are you nervous about signing a lease?” That’s one year.
I was sweating bullets when I proposed to my wife because I looked at it as this is a lifetime commitment. The same thing with having kids. I thought that this was a lifetime commitment. I’m going to take this seriously. I guess my first thought to share is just to be okay with really thinking about, “Do we want kids?” “Do I want kids?” “Does this make sense?”
A good friend of mine, he and his wife got married a little bit older and they wanted to have kids. It was a little bit challenging, and it was getting expensive and tiring, even affecting the relationship. They finally said, which I thought was brilliant, I use this now for many different facets of my life, but they decided, “Let’s both take this piece of paper and we’re going to write down, have to have a kid, it would be nice to have a kid, don’t want it after all.”
They flipped the page over and they both said, “I don’t want it after all. I’m okay with it.” That’s the irony. They’re spending money, they’re trying, and it’s tearing them apart a little bit. There is so much going on, and ultimately, they both didn’t want it. It’s worth having that conversation upfront. We went out for dinner with a couple last night and they said the same thing. We never even talked about it or thought about it. We were just in love, and we started having kids. It’s important to think about it because these kids deserve a great life.
A Great Journey As Parents
They’re brought into this world, not by their choice and we owe it to them to make it a great journey, but you also owe it to yourself as a parent to make sure your journey is still great as well. We have two children, Isabella and Sebastian. Isabella is now 27, and Sebastian is 24. They’re both epic and amazing in their ways. There’s been plenty of challenges, which I’ll share with you in a moment, but when Isabella was born, I’ll never forget, I was in the hospital seeing my wife, this woman I adored, watching the baby come out, helping pull it out, cutting the cord.
When they handed Isabella to me, I wouldn’t let her go. They finally said, “Sir, we have to do these tests and give her these shots.” I was thinking, “What are they up to? What are they trying to do? This is my daughter. You’re not touching her.” It was my first moment, “Okay, take a breath.” The nurse said something wild to me.
She said, “When this girl is 12 or 13 years old, you and your wife are still going to have to have something to talk about. At the time, I was like, “What? What are you saying? What does that even mean?” I had just finished ordering tacos and quesadillas for the whole nurse’s station because we had our Mexican restaurants back then and we were laughing and enjoying the baby, but it sank in what she said.
It was a powerful thing because we’ve spent our whole lives being in love and making sure we have time together. If you just become a parent and your whole identity in life is about serving these kids, you lose your own life. More importantly, you want to show kids that being a parent is awesome. Show them that you can still be beautiful, you can still be healthy, and you can still have fun.
Nadia and I have done a trip alone every year together since the kids were born. When they were little, they’d be like, “Don’t leave.” and I’d be like, “She’s the reason you guys are here. We’re going, but we love you. We’re going to have a great time. We’ll be back and then we’ll all be together as a family.” I think it’s about life as a beautiful pie and every part of it should get its slice.
Life is a beautiful pie, and every part of it should get its own slice. Share on XThe whole pie can’t be the kids, the whole pie can’t be your partner and the whole pie can’t be work. Give each slice the weight it deserves. Ultimately, everything that I’m saying here, “Who am I? Right?” “What do I know?” I’m a cook, a realtor, and some random dude who just happens to love life and be happy, but this is just my experience.
Parenting Challenges
If you wake up every day and you love your life and the whole pie is work, then enjoy that pie. It’s your pie, but if you’re waking up wishing that you felt more balanced and a little bit out of whack, then these are the thoughts I want to share with you. One of the hardest moments, all you parents out there will appreciate this. One of the things that I learned long ago is, “Wow. Everybody has baggage and if you don’t have baggage, that’s baggage by itself because you don’t know how to relate to the world.”
Life is not about not having baggage. It’s about how you choose to deal with the baggage and parenting. It’s the same thing. I don’t think there’s any parent who doesn’t have a challenge. Some of them are very scary and mild, but they’re challenges. It’s really important to share. They were good friends of ours. Now, they’re close friends because during COVID, we brought up our challenge with our son, and funny enough, they were going through the same thing.
It was such a relief to hear somebody else feeling the same way and it was such a bond to share these challenges, stories, and things that we’re trying to do to make them better. For us, that challenge was we have this amazing son, Sebastian. If you’re reading this, you know how much I adore you. You are an angel.
Nadia and I had Isabella first and then we wanted a boy so bad and Nadia was standing on her head. I won’t get into too many details, but doing everything in this book to make sure we had a boy, and then we went to the doctor and they said it’s going to be a boy because we wanted to know. I was the guy who was, “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Sir, we just told you you’re pregnant.” “How about now?”
We found out it was a boy, and we both broke down in tears. We had this amazing boy, always the life of the party. In school, the class clown, but yet got good grades. Everybody loved him. He always was making plans while he was doing what he was doing. He couldn’t get enough. Everyone loved him, joyful and passionate.
He was this incredible skateboarder. It is unbelievable what he was doing. It was funny, too, because he’d want to make me drop him off about three blocks away from the skate park. I’m thinking to myself, “You’re eleven. You think that people think you have your apartment and like you just rolled up alone.” It’s not about being right or wrong, as I’ve talked about in many of these episodes. It’s about getting to the right place and the right place was where he needed that independence.
He was doing good things and everything was fine. It’s interesting as a parent, you’d think, “I’ve partied, I’ve done it all. I’m aware of this stuff.” but it was amazing how oblivious we were. He ended up getting in a bad skateboarding accident. He almost broke his arm. He had to put pins in it and have surgery and he had to crank these pins every day to re-craft the bones the growth plate would grow.
It still didn’t grow, so he had to have another surgery and that was the beginning of this depression, which we didn’t pick up on at the time. This all started around when he was seventeen and we didn’t fully pick up on it. We didn’t realize he started smoking pot and that was his way of getting away from the depression and the pain of the arm.
One day on New Year’s Eve, we came home at 2:00 in the morning, New Year’s Day, and he was curled up in his bed. He was eighteen at the time roughly and he was bawling and he was asking what’s the point of life. He was depressed. As a parent, any of you who’ve gone through it, it rips your heart out. There is nothing more painful than seeing your child in pain.
If you’re a Type A like me or just super caring, which most parents are, you just want to fix it. You want to solve it and guess what? You don’t get to fix it because you can provide support, you can be the guide, but they have to want to be good. At that point, we asked, what’s with his depression? Then he just started smoking more pot.
He was depressed. I would take him to school, park a block away, and just sit in my car for half the day in case he needed me, just to make sure I was available if he called. We were just trying to be a support system and you’re trying to figure this out as you go. The most important thing you can do in life, being a parent comes with no instructions. Maybe a few good examples, hopefully from your parents or loved ones.
He started taking opioids. We came home one night, at 10:00 and he was sitting there in Indian style in the entryway with his head down. We thought he was dead. My whole body went numb, and then we realized he wasn’t, thank God, but he was totally out of it. We were getting mad at him because we didn’t understand the symptoms of what was going on.
It just got worse and worse and worse. The fighting and the aggression, he was just so rebellious. My joke was, “Have a nice day.” “Don’t tell me what to do.” You couldn’t say the right thing if you tried. My wife is amazing. I’m going to have her on the podcast for sure cause she’s the real inspiration. Especially for a Mom, not to be stereotypical, but it’s even harder, that Mom-son relationship and that loving, nurturing soul that she has.
It was just tearing her apart. That’s where I came up with the pie analogy because we went to an Al-Anon meeting. No offense to anybody who loves or is involved in Al-Anon, but I spent an hour listening to what it seemed like everyone just wanting to retell their painful story. To me, you don’t grow by staying in pain. You grow by moving past it and figuring out what’s next.
You don't grow by staying in pain; you grow by moving past it and figuring out what's next. Share on XWhen I stood up at that meeting and said, “Do you know what I’m realizing? I’m realizing he can’t have the whole pie. He gets his slice. He gets Sebastian’s slice. We have got to live our lives. It was tearing Nadia and me apart.” It was painful. That was the beginning of, “He only gets his slice.” You can’t make somebody stop doing drugs or drinking or whatever they’re doing. They have to want to do it.
As parents, especially when they’re eighteen or younger, any age for that matter, you love your children, but you have the right to be the guide and I used to say to the kids, “Listen, I’m not saying I’m right or wrong, but I’m saying I take my job seriously and this is my responsibility to you. To take care of you.” The single hardest parenting moment of my life.
I thought to myself, I think that being dead would be easier. Being dead would be better. We locked him out of the house, shut the door, and locked it. He’s banging on the door, “Let me in.” We said, “No, we’ll open this door if you’ll go get treatment. If you’ll go to a sober living house or if you’ll go to a program. Otherwise, we’re not opening this door.”
He banged for a while and then he sat there and we saw it on the camera and then he finally walked away. He’s got no money, he’s got nothing, and he’s altered. Some of you might be judging us right now like, “How could you do that?” We were told and we took it to heart. We finally believed that if he’s going to hit bottom, if something terrible is going to happen, that’s what’s going to happen because this is not going to work.
It’s like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. We were not going to get a different result by doing the same thing. We said, “That’s it.” Gallons of tears. We spent fourteen hours crying and worrying, but we just knew it was the right thing to do. The police called us at 3:00 in the morning. He had gone into somebody’s property, not inside the house, but inside the gate. They had called the cops. Thank God they didn’t shoot him.
The cops were angels. It was really weird. When they called, I almost thought they were trying to trick us or something. They said, “We have your son. I thought, “Is this a trap like some drug dealer? What’s going on here?” We went there and sure enough, he was handcuffed in the car and they said, “What do you want to do?”
Our son has such a powerful spirit, and that’s the thing. All the things that have been challenging for him are what is making him great now. I’ll let you off the hook really quick in case you are worried. He’s five years sober now and he’s kicking butt, but he was in that car and he’s like totally out of it. He says to the cops, “You can’t arrest me.” “You can’t do anything.” ‘There are no charges.” The cops pulled me aside and they said, “He’s right.” We’re just trying to help you like play good cop, bad cop. I want to make a call out to a program here in LA called Ethos.
This guy, Chris Howard, is our angel. He saved all of our lives. We call him at 3:00 in the morning. Not only does he answer, but he pulls up in his pickup truck half an hour later. Our son just looks at him and somehow feels like there’s this angelic spiritual connection with this guy instantly. He calmed down. They uncuffed him. He got in the back of Chris’s truck with him and went off to the program.
My heart was breaking. Can you imagine your kid waking up in this sober living house and not even knowing where he was, or why he was there? He ran away from it and came back to the house. We immediately called Chris. Chris came back and got him. We held the line and I’m telling you, every parent has to make their own decisions, their way. This is your child and your life, but we hold the line no matter what.
If you want to be homeless, be homeless, but you’re not coming back here until you’re sober and you’re good and he did it. It was funny because we originally talked to Chris. I asked, “What’s your success ratio?” I’m interviewing like I have some leverage or like I know anything. He said, “13% of people graduate.” I said, “That’s pretty lame.” He said, “It’s pretty good industry-wide and it is. It’s that tough.
A lot of these kids, either they’re just destined to be addicts or it’s hard to get through it. They just can’t, but our son has graduated. He graduated and he has turned his life around. This tattoo right here, it’s these two swords. One is his initial, one is mine. I got this while he was in the Sober Living House in recovery. My wife got a similar tattoo, and we just kept loving him and being there for him, but we held the line.
Actions Speaks So Loudly
It’s rewarding. He’s doing great now. It’s wild, too. I think one of the biggest parenting lessons that I’ve had is the most powerful one, which I’ve always believed was, “I can’t hear what you say because your actions speak loudly.” Remember that your kids, anybody in your life of course, but your kids especially, they’re not listening to us parents.
They don’t really listen to parents that much, but they’re watching and just seeing the example you set. Same thing I was talking about with taking vacations. What does being a parent look like? You’re showing them every day. If you’re saying, here are the top three things to do as a family, but then you’re doing all the opposite, it doesn’t matter.
We used to always do a hug. I would say, “Family hug time.” and the kids would say, “No, Dad.” We’d all get in the kitchen and I’d hug them. We’d all hug each other. I’d say, “All the matters in this whole world can fit on four kitchen tiles. This is what it’s about.” We still have a text chain called, I Love My Family, which I’m sure many people do out there. You have a version of it.
We stay close, we stay tight. My wife is just amazing and she was strong and she did. I give her the credit. I did everything I could, but she was the driver. She was there for Sebastian and knew how to talk to him. When he would start ranting, raving, and being angry, she would listen very carefully. She’d just say, “What would you like me to do? How can I help you?”
Instead of taking the bait and either trying to solve it, like she used to and as I used to, or trying to win the argument or explain what they’re not understanding, all that went away and it was just listen, “What would you like me to do to help?” It’s just powerful. That is the other most powerful parenting message, “Don’t be a fixer.” “Don’t be a preacher.” “Don’t talk about what you accomplished.” They don’t care.
It’s their life. It’s what they’re going through. Stay in the question, “How are you feeling? How’s that going to help?” “I hate my life.” “Okay? What life would you like? What are you willing to do to get that life?” When my son was going through this, one of my clients said to me, “Do you know, when I was 19, I was curled up in a ball in the corner of the living room, crying, shaking, and freaking out. I looked up at my dad and I said, Am I going to be okay?”
His dad said, “I don’t know, that’s up to you.” Walked out of the room. How many of us could do that as parents? That’s the power. The power is not, “Here’s how you can be good. Follow these five steps.” No, it’s like, “That’s up to you. How can I help? What do you need from me?” That was the thing with Sebastian. When he got sober, it was back to a battle about bills and paying for things.
I always said, “We’re like Eurotrash.” We love Europe and I love the way families live in Europe. They keep the parents in the house, most of them, until they’re dead. The kids are in the house until they’re married. Sometimes, it’s still when they’re married. There’s this great sense of family, but in America, I think it’s dangerous because my wife said it best, “Adult kids don’t belong at home because when they’re at home, you’re going to treat them like kids. That’s the first challenge and they don’t like that.
My wife would say to them, “If you’re here, I’m going to treat you like a kid. You’re in the house.” We insisted that he make his way and what I always said was, “You have to live as if we’re dead.” The most basic things you have to be able to do as an adult are pay your rent, pay your insurance, pay your gas, pay your food, and be independent.
Then great, if you want to be a rich rock star, do it. If you have the simplest life and are a waiter, do that, but you’ve got to pay your bills at least. It’s been such an amazing journey. Maybe some of you are depressed now from my little rant, but it’s a message of excitement and positivity because we got through it. Now, he’s stronger than ever. We’re stronger than ever.
My daughter, Isabella, she was amazing. She was there for Sebastian. She put up with a lot, too, because it affected family vacations, it affected holidays, it affected birthdays. It was four or five birthdays in a row for Sebastian that we just wanted to come home and cry, or we did cry. All of a sudden, now, they’re joyful. He’s determined and for anybody out there who’s sober, you are my hero because sobriety, you are dealing with demons beyond what the rest of us are having to deal with.
You’re like superheroes because it is powerful to, first of all, get through the addiction and then embrace your new life sober. Now our son is out there. He’s a sober mentor. He’s getting paid great money to help other people make a better life. He’s acting, he’s modeling. He’s paying his own rent, he lives in his own place, and he’s kicking butt. It’s joyful to see it.
Teaching Accountability
We’ve evolved with our kids now to where we’re friends, but we’re still expected to be parent figures. We’re friendly, and we just enjoy each other. We have fun. That’s always a big part of it. All these little things, you get one shot at this. For those of you who are young parents, what I’m going to tell you is number one, if it feels good, you’re probably screwing up because the hard stuff doesn’t feel good. Saying no doesn’t feel good more than ever.
We have to teach kids accountability. Our generations are changing now, but it’s a unique time because, especially in Los Angeles, for any of you somewhere else, you’re probably asking, “What is he talking about?” in LA, most 13, 14, 15, or 16 year old live like they’re making several hundred thousand dollars a year. They got all the great clothes, cars, dinners, and restaurants, and I didn’t grow up that way.
More than ever, we have to teach kids accountability. Share on XFrom the early episodes, my childhood wasn’t lovely and I just had to make my way, but I’m grateful for it. I love my life. I wouldn’t change anything about my life, but it doesn’t necessarily apply to their lives. They have their own lives. If I were in charge of the school system, I’m telling you, I would make it from when they’re in grade school, “Here’s your allowance for the week. If you run out of money, you don’t eat.
Teach them accountability budgeting. Teach them problem-solving. I would lock them in the classroom and they all have to work together to figure out where the teacher went what to do while she’s gone and how to get out of the classroom. Learn how to debate and understand the other side instead of what matters to you. It’s this whole generation of your way. For me, my way instead, as it should be, is to ask, “What’s the other person thinking?”
These are skills the kids need to learn from a young age. If it’s not going to happen in school, then it’s up to us as parents. One of the great things we did when the kids were young was we gave them a debit card, and we put it there when they were young, for $25 a week. In high school, it went up to a hundred dollars a week, whatever it was. When it was gone, it was gone. It wasn’t a credit card. It was a debit card. They only had that much money and I would do the transfer every week.
We owe it to these kids. There are no bad kids. There are only bad parents. There are no bad pets. There are only bad pet owners. It is up to us to build and create a great life for these kids and we owe it to them to do the hard things. I used to say when they were young, they’d say, ”That’s $100.” “It’s only $100, Dad.” “First of all, $100 is a lot of money. How much do you have? Second of all, it’s not $100. It’s $130 because you have to make that much by the time you pay taxes. When you’re buying something, it’s not $100, it’s $130.”
All these little lessons are to manage money, to manage their time, and to be good humans. If it was up to me again, the school system, you’d go to the country you were most afraid of for six months, starting at a young age. It’s all fear and ignorance that makes us hate to not understand people and places. I’m getting off on wild tangents, but I can tell you that parenting is a great journey, and it saved me because I was a wild man.
I purged my demons from childhood and then I was at my restaurants. I was just partying, and it was fun. I met my wife and what’s great about kids, it’s like meant to be. They make you less selfish. They make you have to focus on someone else besides yourself. They make you have to find the balance between work, family, and play. That’s the beauty. Be a great parent or choose not to have kids. The choice is yours, but love the path that you choose. Thank you very much.