Jeffrey Saad sits down with his wife Nadia Saad for an intimate conversation on applying circle of control marriage principles through 33 years of partnership. They reflect on transforming anxiety, financial hardship, and personal trauma into unwavering trust and joy. Nadia shares how letting go of external worries reshaped her internal narrative and strengthened their family bond. Through stories of overcoming childhood loss, career setbacks, and parenting struggles, she demonstrates what happens when you stop fighting life. You’ll learn how choosing the right handle during tough moments changes your daily energy. This candid discussion provides a practical roadmap for building a resilient relationship grounded in peace and mutual respect.
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My Wife’s Experience With The Reduction – Lessons Of Marriage, Kids And A Love That Keeps Growing
The first thing I want to say is The Reduction and I hope I don’t annoy everybody. I’m going to say it every time now. My book is available for pre-order on Amazon. You’ll find it valuable. I’d be forever grateful to pre-order and spread the word because that’s what helps us to be best seller, to get the word out and make a difference in this world. For our guest, I would marry this woman. Except that we’re already married. It is my dream come true person in every way, but you don’t want to hear about how much I love her and all that stuff, even though I talk about it all the time.
What I wanted her to talk about is she is like a natural at all this stuff, and she’s constantly evolving and learning. She blows me away. I also thought it would be fun for you to get my partner’s take on how this process of The Reduction has affected her life and our marriage. I just think she has so much value to add. She has mastered the circle of control. Enough of me talking. My beautiful wife, Nadia.
Hello.
I love that you are doing this.
Yes, finally after all this time. I’m excited.
Shifting From Outside Control To Daily Peace
I know. The only thing she ever hears about the show is, “Be quiet, honey. I’m about to record.” We were talking outside our usual nightly ritual. Looking at the view and being grateful for our lives. We looked at each other and we’re like, “We have the thing that money can’t buy. We are truly happy, grateful, and in love after 33 years. It’s a beautiful thing.”
I want people to hear about your journey from living very much outside the circle of control, and you’ll correct me if I’m wrong in any of these statements. Having a sense of scarcity in everything you do, and now you’ve evolved into this like carefree or at least it appears to me, a spirit where nothing bothers you. Even though you don’t study this stuff, you’re living it. Talk about that journey of your version of how you used to be, how you are now and how this whole thing has affected you and us.
First of all, I live it because of you. I fought you for so long because I could not let go of that control because of my past. By rewiring my brain and hearing you talk over and over about, “It’s out of your control. Let it go,” finally something clicked in my brain. No matter what happens, it does affect me but now I have managed to let it marinate, but then let it go. Unless there’s something I can do about it, doing and letting it affect my life and my well-being is not going to help anything.
That’s why you’re always so joyful. I can’t remember the last time you didn’t wake up with a smile in a good mood, ready for life. I was so proud of you and us because real estate is one of our primary businesses. We’ve been partners forever. As I always joke when COVID hit, I told everybody, “We already work together. We’re already at home together every day and she’s already annoyed with me. Nothing’s changing.”
I remember we had a huge offer on the table and that’s what’s cool about real estate. You have to bear not making any money for a period of time, but then you get to make huge money. We wrote a huge offer. Amazing people. At the last minute, it didn’t work out. They changed their mind. How did we feel? We let ourselves mourn a little bit.
Grabbing The Right Handle During Setbacks
Yes, because that’s not humanly possible. When something like that happens, it does affect you. It’s okay. You’ve got to let it just do its thing. It was a crappy day, and I was in a very bad mood.
You weren’t in a bad mood, though.
I wasn’t in a bad mood, but I was heavy. I felt defeated but that was it. I went to bed and woke up with a new day. What’s going to happen? Something great.
I love that you just said that, because I have lived my whole life and again, in the past, it even annoyed you, and I always tell that joke, “Nobody gets up and says, ‘I love my life.’” You always even were annoyed sometimes because I always wake up, and I’m like, “This is going to be the best day of my life,” and I go into it that way. What the stoics say is, every situation has two handles. We grabbed the first handle, which was, “This sucks.”
Neither of us ever went to the place of blaming the client or being victims or talking about this business being so hard. Neither of us went there. We quickly chose the other handle, which was, “How lucky are we to have these people in our lives? Something will happen in the future.” We’ve had such a great year. Always grab the other handle. You can go straight to all the negativity, but that’s going to affect your energy.
When you wake up the next day, you wonder why, all of a sudden, you’re having another bad day, because you’re carrying that energy over and over. That’s what so many people do. They don’t even realize it, but they have decades sometimes of this compounded carryover weight. Whereas you, my bride, I will attest to it. You had like no weight left. You’re like, “Now what?”
Coming from a background where everything is negative. I come from Iran, which is a beautiful culture. It has so many wonderful attributes. One of the biggest ones for us is looking at everything from a negative perspective. Maybe it’s because of the war that happened in Iran, or the fact that we lost everything and we had to start all over. For me, that trauma was ingrained.
Are you comfortable digging deeper? Maybe the three chapters like your mom with the investment and the apartment and that stuff? If you’re comfortable talking about it because that’s what makes you amazing. It’s not like you’re born lucky and have never worked. You’re getting better. You came from the bottom to be who you are now. Whatever you’re comfortable talking about, tell that story.
Overcoming Sudden Hardship Through Early Resilience
I lost my dad just like you at the age of eight. From there on, it was just a very difficult journey because I was eight years old. I had two sisters and my mother, who was a very inexperienced person. She got married when she was seventeen to my dad. She had to pick up the pieces with three daughters and move on. She made a lot of mistakes. In the process of that, I had a very difficult and unstable life.
Talk about some of the bigger events.
We were in Italy and when the revolution happened, my mom had some money that she decided that, “We’re going to immigrate to America. We have relatives there and I have this money.” She had a friend at that time who said, “Why don’t you let me invest this money for you? I will give you a monthly sum as whatever the interest or whatever the market is getting.” We moved with that dream of, “We can go and we’re going to be financially fine until we get on our feet.” We moved to America, at sixteen, which was already very difficult because I loved Italy.
I had lived there for like 8 to 10 years on and off. I was basically thrown into this new country, and new culture. I didn’t know anybody. I didn’t have any friends. On top of that, three months into it, my mom’s friend basically said, “Listen, I’m so sorry, but we lost all the money,” because he had invested it in silver at that time, which was doing well, then the market crashed.
We went from one day to the next without any money. I had to jump into action and get a job. I used to go to high school during the day, and then at 4:00 I would work in different places. I worked at Burger King. I worked at this Subway sandwich place. I did all kinds of jobs just so that I can help my mother pay rent and pay for the basic needs.
You can't control every external outcome, but you can control how long you let negativity linger in your mind. Share on XWhat breaks my heart, as much as I love you, it always makes me crushed. Hopefully, it’s okay to say this, but you guys were in Brentwood, but you were in a one-bedroom apartment or studio. In the beginning, you were sleeping on the floor because you didn’t have money for furniture. This is not her working at Burger King to help pay for some of the extra expenses. This is like, “We need a bed, and we need a couch.”
We need food.
I can’t imagine. A totally different culture. Her mom’s name was Lily. We called her Lily June, which is like dear Lily or we called her Mormor, which happens to be Swedish for Grandma because her older sister both married Swedes. Anyway, she made so many mistakes. Another one of your amazing qualities is when you think about it, she was like a political first lady, if you will. Everything is taken care of and thrown into a new country. On your own, she made it happen. She found a way to make money.
She did the best that she could with what she had. She was scared, too. She had no previous experience of being on her own. This is a sideline story. I remember I had to buy a car. I was about seventeen and I couldn’t get anywhere in LA, so I had to buy a car. I saved just enough money. I will never forget. I bought a $1,200 Rabbit. This was an old Rabbit, but I was so excited. I’m like, “I have a car. I’m independent. I don’t have to take the bus to work.”
I pick up the car and literally a day after I pick up the car, I am in Westwood and the car stalls in the middle of traffic. Mind you, at that time, there were no cell phones. Everybody was honking. Everybody was screaming. I came out of the car. I didn’t know what to do. I ran across the street. I found a pay phone and I called my mom who was at work. I am like, “Mom, my car broke down. I don’t know what to do.”‘ She’s like, “What do you want me to do? I am working.” That was my first lesson that I am here on my own and I need to make it happen.
That’s amazing about you. That’s your strength fast forward fifteen years. She’s this sexy, beautiful woman standing on the street having a cigarette when I first walked by her. I’m like, “I have to meet this woman.” What I loved about her immediately was that she had this little Vespa from her Italy days. She’d cruise around San Francisco as hot as could be. When I went to her apartment the first time, she had a shoebox of cash under the bed. No debt and super responsible. The irony and point is, it’s funny because these days kids are taken care of, for the most part. Yet, that’s what made you the strong, amazing woman you are and the great mother for your kids.
When I do my grateful prayer or whatever you want to call it, I’m grateful for the good, but I’m also grateful for the bad because the bad took me to where I am and made me a strong person.
Since you’re so talented and so smart, do you remember one time you said something like, “I wish at least that wouldn’t have happened?” Do you remember what I said to you? I said, “I’m so glad it happened because if I could change one thing about you, I wouldn’t.” All those things made you who you’re. Anybody reading, that’s grabbing the other handle. Whatever happened, look at it as, “Good. This is just part of the recipe. The only reason the sweet is sweet is because there’s some bitter in there. It all gets mixed together.”
That’s what I tell our kids. When they’re going through something, I’m like, “This moment does not define your life.” When our son is having a bad day and he’s like, “Life sucks. I just hate my life. Why is my life like this?” I always remind them, “This is not your life. This is a thin slice of the huge pie. Very thin, remember.” That’s something that has helped me. Even now when something bad happens, I’m like, “It’s okay.”
Do you know what’s amazing about you? I’m going to tag it, matriarch martial arts. You are like the master because you know when they need a hug and you know when they need their ass kicked. I’ll hear you on the phone with either of them, and it goes from little Persian cute remarks to, “This is one time in your life. Get over it.” That’s what I love about you. You know when to be soft, when to be hard, but I derailed you in a huge way.
Rewind all the way back. The reason the change was hard for you is because of growing up that way. What were you going to say about the process of the reduction, if you will? That’s what we’re calling it because of the book and the way we’ve lived. How did it evolve for you? What changed? How did you do that?
Surrendering Control To Build Trust In Partnership
I was very lucky to marry a very positive person. You made a huge impact in my life, even though there were times that I wanted to kill you because we were on such different pages. I felt like you didn’t get me. You didn’t get me because you came from a very wealthy family. Everything was always there and ready for you. I came from a very big traumatic, earlier life where things could turn overnight and I never want to go back there.
That was my way of expressing my anxiety about whether it was financial stuff or relationship stuff. I held on to that. I needed the control because I felt like If I let go of the control, then everything will fall apart. For the longest time, I had a hard time trusting you because I’ve always managed to get everything done on my own. Now, I have to give up everything to this man.
You didn’t have to. I don’t want readers to think I’m some crazy tyrant. I was always like, “What do you want to do? What do you not want to do?”
No, absolutely.
What’s interesting, correct me where I got this wrong. What I love is, for years, she would sit down with me when I would do the QuickBooks online. This goes back even 25, 30 years. You look at the budget and it would stress you out. What’s cool is you were able to not only let go of control, but realize that not being involved with it made you happier. Is that true?
It made me happier. It made our relationship better. You have completely made me trust you because now here we are 34 years together. It’s been a beautiful life. We’ve had our challenges, but where we are, I wouldn’t change for anything. Letting go of that control, which is a big part of the book Reduction, is truly the most amazing thing because we all feel we need to worry about everything. Everything that happens, whether it’s politics or some change in our physical stuff, or a change in our kids. We feel like we’re not in control and we don’t worry about it.
Perfectly said. I want everyone to know that. People think worrying is somehow a solution or a tool to help. It’s the exact opposite.
It’s because of what it does. The worries affect you physically and mentally.
You can’t change the outcome anyway.
You cannot be the best to then wake up and forge and move on. That, to me, is like, you need to move on, that’s what life is.
Let’s back up for one second and solidify my failure. It is true. Only because I knew I had it under control and I was confident and I knew. I came from an abundance mentality. I failed to stop and see you. This is what we have to do. This is like the book of The Reduction is about coming up with your personal constitution. Right out of the gate, even before you decide to be with somebody, you need to figure out what’s your ideal needs, what’s mine, and then how do we fuse those?
If you don’t, they create tension. It’s slow and subliminal. That’s why it’s dangerous. I’ll never forget the one time we went to a therapist, and she said the greatest thing to me. I looked at her and I was like, “I’ve shown her the P&L. It’s better every year. Look at the money.” She looked at me and went, “You don’t get it. It’s not about a P&L. It’s about my feelings connected to my amygdala, my ancient brain that says protect yourself.”
I never stopped, then I turned it on myself like, “I must be a failure if she doesn’t feel safe and taken care of and comfortable.” Here’s all this damage going on all because we never stopped to go, “Where does that come from for you?” That’s the thing. You’re a young couple. You just want to argue. Instead of going, “Where does that come from for you, that concern? Are you worried about me or is it something else?” We would have had that conversation twenty years ago.
I think men and women function so differently.
You’re smarter, for starters.
Men are like black and white. Very likely, it’s either this or that. For women, I feel like, at least for me, everything is emotional-based. It’s not so much black and white. There’s many shades of gray in between. To have a partner that could look between those two extremes and understand what I’m feeling is a huge success in our relationship.
Early hardship doesn't have to define you; it can forge the strength and independence you carry for the rest of your life. Share on XYou’re so right. Do you know what irony is? When you tell me some of the early stories and readers, you haven’t heard the half of what you went through in childhood and different things. I’ll never forget. We were laying in that park in San Francisco. It was one of the first times we’d been dating while you shared some of this stuff and how you felt. I remember, I think I’ve told you this before, making a decision right then and there, I’m going to make this woman feel like a queen. I will stop in nothing so that she will never have to feel those feelings of abandonment, scarcity, and uncertainty.
It’s so wild that you come from all that, yet you’re the most faithful, loving, and committed wife. Both of us have become the opposite of how we grew up. My ego was owning that story, “I need to make her feel like a queen. Anything less than a queen, I’ve failed.” As Will Smith said one time, which I love, “If they’re not clapping, I must have failed.” That was my real lesson. First of all, it’s not about me. I’m not the center of the universe.
Second of all, it’s not about black and white as you said. It’s not just men and women, but we all have a story that operates our life underneath because we are consciously trapped in a feeling that is based on protecting ourselves. That’s one of the things too that I talk about in The Reduction and in the retreats we’ve done. I’m not into therapy in the sense of, “Let’s go back and find the source and fix it,” because I don’t believe that can ever happen. You’re going to keep opening up more black holes.
For me, it’s like you accept we all have baggage. I’m just going to put mine on wheels instead of drag it. I’m going to acknowledge it so that I can see when it’s taking over my decision making. I’m not trying to fix it because it’s over. Today is today. Power of now. At this moment, nothing is wrong. That’s all done. Tomorrow hasn’t happened. I’m in charge.
Refusing To Remain A Victim To Your Past
For some people, going back to their past is almost an excuse to stay a victim.
It’s golden and we’re probably pissing a ton of people off, but that’s so you and it’s true. I love it. Say it. Keep going. Say more about that.
No, because it’s true. What good does that do? I could sit here and tell you stories of everything that I’ve been through, but what does that do for me after all these years? I have only a limited amount of time on this earth. Why would I want to spend the rest of it stewing over something that happened to me that I had absolutely zero fault or control? It was the circumstances of my life. It’s a beautiful day. Life has a lot of challenges, even now. We’ve been through a lot.
If people think, “These guys have such a great life,” then you guys don’t know us. We have had our many challenges but the most important thing is communication, understanding your role in it, accepting it, and hoping that your partner does the same and then come together and be a team instead of being two teams.
You define the constitution with common sense because you’re so smart that way. That’s exactly the constitution. That’s exactly right because what Nadia just described is the Circle of Control. I love the way you said, “Accept it,” because let’s say you’d love to be the breadwinner. I don’t care if you’re the guy or the girl or what relationship it is, but whoever it is. If you’d love to be the breadwinner but simply the other person makes more. You don’t want to do what it takes to make more, then if you’re accepting that situation, then own it, love it, and live it.
If your story is now going to be, “I never got to go do what I wanted to do,” then you’re failing. Now, by not being in your circle of control and by storytelling. You’re creating this whole energy that’s not serving you or anyone around you. It’s much better to say, “I know I make half as much. I’d rather live in a studio apartment.”
Do you remember when I said that to you years ago? I was on such a mission to take care of my family. My personal constitution is, I’m a husband and father first. I love and cherish my family and that’s my guiding light. Every decision goes through that filter of my family. I was so determined to take care of them and work hard but I was always still present with the kids. Yes or no?
Hundred percent.
You were a little stressed when we first got into real estate and stuff. remember saying to you, “Tell me, if you’d rather just not have this stress, have a simple paycheck, and live in a simple apartment. I’ll do whatever you want because you are my castle. You are my life.” You were like, “I want these things. Let’s do it,” but it took you accepting that and then owning it. For couples out there, the biggest gift Nadia’s given me besides her unbelievable daily beauty, I have never seen this woman in 33 years not carry herself stunning. Every morning I wake up, I’m like, “I won the lotto again.”
Stop stewing over past events you couldn't control. Save your energy for creating a meaningful and intentional life today. Share on XAlso, the greatest gift you ever gave me and still give me, is you have never once made me feel like I wouldn’t take care of this family. You could have crushed me at any given point, because we’ve had our dips or challenges, like we’ve seen some couples. If you would have been aggressive with me or be like, “Why aren’t you making this happen or you’re such a failure.” It would have spiraled me down.
Going back to, we are a team. It’s not you versus me. Every decision that we’ve made has been the two of us. If we had a moment of failure, it was both of us. Who am I to blame you or judge you or get mad at you?
What’s funny, and this is also what makes you amazing, is you say that but you’re always giving me the credit for our success, for taking care of this family, but I’m nothing without you. That’s what’s brilliant about you. You’re not trying to take credit on the upside, but yet you don’t blame on the downside, which is very unique. That’s the key because I always say when you come home, if your partner’s not shoving coal in your soul or maybe in today’s time, the solar panel or the panel of your soul, then you’re at the wrong place.
Your belief in me, your unconditional love has been my rocket fuel. It makes me want to take care of this family twice as much. I keep saying, “Me take care of.” Obviously, we’ve been a partnership and I would say that as well. There’s times where Nadia might fade in and out because that’s just our arrangement. We are 50/50. I don’t take an ounce of credit of more than 50 because we are a team in life and business.
Remember too, it’s all these ingredients. It’s not just who went to do the work and got the check. It’s the energy you have because of your partnership. Your belief in everything because of your partnership. When we walk out into the world, we’re like, ‘we’re going to make it happen.” In real estate in LA, this is the fourth year of a rough market. Forgive me, any realtors reading. While other realtors are talking about how bad the market is, I’m like, “I’m so sorry. We didn’t have a chance to be miserable because we’ve just been busy.” We try to make our own weather and you’ll attract the energy that you’re putting out.
This is going back to when we lost this huge deal. If I was to carry on the anger, then how could I move forward and make the next deal? It has worked for us because we’re like, “There’s another deal.” Don’t get stuck on one situation.
That’s what you have become the master of. What I say, which is interesting, is and I’ll let Nadia comment on it. When we first met, I had a temper. Where I’ve gone in many years, I don’t even know that guy anymore. I’ve gone this slow journey every year, 1% better as I’ve always said. What’s amazing about you, is that you’re like 100% different in a very short amount of time, which is a lot harder to do.
Navigating Difficult Family Challenges With Unshakeable Resolve
Talk more about from your angle how The Reduction has been for you. I don’t mean the specific terms. I just mean in general from you watching me from the journey I tell everybody about with rewiring the brain and getting slowly better. How has that affected you? What’s that been like for you being part of this?
I turned a corner about maybe 10 or 8 years ago when we had a back-to-back difficult few years, which I’m not going to go into but I’m sure you have shared our son’s situation and my mom passing away and I was the only caretaker. It was such a difficult few years. It took away so much of me that after all that was done, I’m like, “I never want to go back there again. I never want to be consumed.”
I never thought about that. You hit an emotional bottom, essentially. I never even put that into those terms.
I said I will never want to do that again. I never ever want to have that feeling again. If situations come up, I am going to see if I can do anything about it and solve it. If I can’t, I have to let it go. As difficult as it was, even with our son, Sebastian, who was going through a period of addiction. It was probably the single most difficult thing I’ve ever been through in my life.
At some point, he’s been sober, by the way, for 6 or 7 years. He’s amazing. During this whole time, when I think back and realize, “He could progress or fall back into it.” I immediately think, “I have done everything in my power to save this kid. He’s had all the therapy, all the love and the support. If he’s going to end up back there, then that’s on him. It’s his life.”
How many reading, could say that about their kid? What Nadia did, what we did, but as a mother, I’ve talked about this before. The night that we locked him out of the house, he was 17 or 18. He was banging on the door and saying, “Let me in.” We wouldn’t unlock it. We said, “We’ll only open this door if you let us drop you off at the Silver Living.” He walked away. This woman in front of me, again, like a mother, especially. Talk about that for a second. She had the strength to say, “I know this is what needs to happen.” That’s what saved him, ironically.
It’s because that was the only solution. As difficult and painful as it was, I thought that’s the only way that he could be saved. Thank God it worked because I did have the fear that he’s going to end up being homeless or go on the streets. I’m like, “It’s out of my control.” I know I have raised a good kid. I know we have raised a good kid. We have given them a beautiful life, healthy parents, healthy home, food, everything. Somewhere deep down inside, I knew he’s not a kid who can stay on the street, but I thought about it. I said, “If that’s what he’s going to do, then it’s out of my control.”
Mindset transformation requires daily mental exercises. You can't read one book and expect your life to change overnight. Share on XNot only staying in the street, but the hardest thing, I’m sure any parent reading would agree. The guilt of, “What if tonight’s the night he tries heroin,” because he’s locked out of his house and now it’s our fault. What is that? Storytelling. That is not solving anything. You did the ultimate thing. In our circle, what? Let him back in and continue to let him be down in his room doing drugs or lock the door and make him get help or not? If that’s the life you want to have. You did it. We did.
That’s what I mean. Either do something about it or let it go. Those are your only options.
Let’s wrap up with one of the greatest things about it to lighten it up for a second. What I love about my wife. Literally this woman will say exactly what’s on her mind. People love her for it. She gets away saying things. It would be the worst thing that ever happened. If you know somehow, they love it. As simple as that, she’ll tap the table at 11:00 at night or midnight and clap her hands and go, “That was a good dinner. Let’s wrap it up,” because she’s done and she wants to go.
She’ll tell people, “What do you mean you don’t have anybody? What are you doing to get somebody?” She’ll hold them accountable. I love that about you because no one will ever doubt what you think and they so appreciate your strength for that. It also, I feel like, relieves you of such a burden where most people carry all this unspoken stuff. You’re just, “I said. That’s it.”
The last thing I want to finish up with is the Reduction, the book. I always say, this is not easy. Anything worthwhile is not easy. It’s a process. Do you think I’m lying when I say that I’ve rewired my brain over the 30 years that we know each other that I’ve started this process? You talked about rewiring yourself. Give everybody a little insight on what that looks like.
Daily Brain Rewiring For Long Term Growth
It is rewiring. You can’t read a book and expect to change your entire life the day after. That will never happen. You can read all the books in the world, but it doesn’t happen. It is a daily exercise of your brain. It is just like when Sebastian went to a sober living. We refused to put him in a 2 to 3 month program because I didn’t feel like that was long enough. It takes a long time for the brain to get used to new ways of thinking. If anybody wants to see any change in their lives, they have to practice it every day. I use The Reduction as a Bible. That is my Bible. Every time I am, maybe getting off track, right back to it.
By the way, I didn’t pay her for that. I swear. She is my wife. You’ll find out for yourself if you believe in the book. What I’m realizing is how far you’ve come is when you help me because there are times that you’ll snap back faster and say something that puts it in the right direction. I’m thinking to myself, “She went there faster than I did.”
God, am I lucky. If I could change one thing about you or us, I wouldn’t. I love you. Thanks for reading. Go to Amazon and put in Jeffrey Saad. It will come up faster or The Reduction. Pre-order the book, if you feel like it. We’d be grateful. Send me a message if you want to hear more from my wife because I know I do.