In this third part of the six-episode special series, Jeffrey Saad continues his conversations with his business coach and mentor Steve Shull. In this episode, they discuss the importance of staying within your circle of control and turning fear into curiosity. They explore how to pivot and jump back after a huge failure, which Jeffrey experienced when he opened a restaurant when his TV show ended. The two also unpack real-life analogies from surfing and business, delving into valuable lessons on resilience, living in the moment, and creating your personal constitution.
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Conversations With My Coach (Part 3 of 6)
What A Simple Circle Means For Jeffrey
We’re back with Jeffrey Saad for another session. Talk to me about your circle and what that means to you.
I’ve never thought my most powerful tattoo could be a simple circle. That took three minutes to put on there. It’s like everything in life. It’s the simplest stuff that is the most powerful. That’s the irony of the tattoo itself. It’s the Stoic philosophy of “Do not be weighed down by anything outside your circle of control.” I wish they would teach this stuff in kindergarten. If you can’t affect it, then let it go because it’s just going to weigh you down and dilute the stuff that you can affect. That’s the funny thing. If there are two things in the circle that you can make better, my processes, my life, my family, they are being diluted by all this energy you’re putting outside the circle that you can’t control.
Turning Fear Into Curiosity
Going back to something you just talked about, curiosity and drive, we’ll weave that in here. We talk about awareness. The more you become aware, the more there is to be aware of. We share this purpose and passion of trying to help people move forward in their lives to get unstuck. I’d like to get your take on this because I think it’s the key to living a better life. The thing that I am focused on is how we flip our fear, which we have all the time. Every day, we wake up, and we have to step into uncertainty. Most people step into the uncertainty with fear, worry, and concern. How do we flip that fear into curiosity and drive? How do you make that shift?
As usual, you’ve got the million-dollar question. What I love about you, Steve, and what I’ve always noticed about you over the years, is that what you said is so true. We do care about making a difference. It’s not just like, “I got paid and did the call. I’m done.” You want to see the needle move. It makes you crazy. It makes me crazy when we can’t move the needle where we see people getting in their own way. That’s huge. What defines purpose or passion is that true desire.
Valuable Lessons On Living From Surfing
Let’s go back to the surfing analogy. I love this analogy because life is just one big wave, and all we’re doing every day is surfing the wave. We can either get better at it or not. What are the lessons that surfing teaches you about living?
For starters, we’ve always talked about Kaizen, getting 1% better every day, just a little bit better. You become a good fighter by throwing the first punch. You can become a great partner by doing something kind for someone else. Everything starts with one motion. Surfing is like life. It starts by getting comfortable and getting equilibrium on the board, just floating for a minute. Start by floating and getting a sense of how the water and the board react to each other. Then, it’s about standing up.
As a new surfer, you might need to go to one knee first. That’s okay. Go to one knee, see where the wave’s at, then stand up little by little. Most importantly, what I love about surfing in life is it’s all about reading the wave. You want to talk about tactical empathy. It is just like you’ve taught us. Riding the wave is the same thing. In the beginning, what did I do? I just went, “Wave, go!” I wasted a ton of energy and got pummeled because the wave closed out.
All of a sudden, you’re like, “Wait, stop. Read the wave.” “It’s on an angle. There’s the shoulder. I need to be over there. It’s enough of a steep. I’m going to get that shoulder,” or “No, it’s straight across. It’s going to close out.” Know when to let the wave pass. Know when to go for that shoulder and paddle like hell. That’s the difference. It’s also like life. Sometimes, you get smashed on the reef. You’re going to bleed. You’ll heal. Does that mean you’re done surfing? No, it just means, “What could I do better next time? Why did that happen?” The whole energy can’t be like, “I got hurt.” The story should just be, “What can I do differently? I got it. Let’s go put that in play.”
When you’re looking for that entry point, are you thinking? Are you just totally focused on the moment? What’s going on inside your head?
It’s like everything. It is like learning a language. In the beginning, it’s like, “How are you? Como está usted?” All of a sudden, you start dreaming in that language. Surfing and anything else you do is the same way. In the beginning, you’re overthinking everything. Am I in the right position? Is my body too much forward or too much backward? When do I start paddling? If somebody complains to me or tells me, “This real estate deal isn’t working out,” or “This isn’t happening in my life,” how much effort have you put into it?
Have you gotten to the point where turning the board, paddling twice, and standing up is natural? Are you stuck in beginner mode? You know these realtors. “I’ve been in the business for 30 years.” No, you haven’t. You’ve repeated year one 30 times. There are times, depending on the size of the wave, that I’m, “Do I have my stuff together?” Most times, you turn and go because all that processing happens in a millisecond.
You can become a great partner by doing something kind for someone else. Everything starts with one motion. Share on XThis was your thing. You were good at it. Mentally, what happened? How did you process? You’re doing your thing. You had to be loving it.
It is beyond belief. If only they knew that I would have done it for free.
It’s not like football. It’s not like you got injured or something.
Just my ego got hurt.
Opening A Restaurant After The Show
When you heard they were canceling the show, what was your process?
When he called me, I knew it was coming. We had done three seasons. I just felt it. I was like, “Now, I know what it’s like to get shot. That’s what it must feel like.” The worst part was having my wife there on speakerphone, hearing it because she was a champion. Here we are doing great in real estate. We’re at the top of our game, just sold our biggest sale ever. I was like, “We’re done with real estate. I’m doing this food thing. We’ll figure it out.” She was all in, and she was as vested as I was. It was also trying to carry her pain or empathize with her. As always, I quickly pivoted. Clock quickly, purge quickly.
I said, “That just means something better is coming. In the meantime, I’ll open a restaurant again because what a perfect platform to have for this stuff.” That’s where I think my fear came from. I was so afraid of not having something, of not doing something. We all see life through our own eyes. I would give anything to see all those chapters not through my eyes. There’s the gold. What was I doing wrong? What could I have learned? What happened? There was something else in there.
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself. We must see ourselves in the world in a new way. The show got canceled. Was the restaurant a reflex?
It definitely was a reflex. I thought I had to do something.
Were you trying to prove anything?
I’m sure that was part of it, too. I thought, “I’ve got to show the world I am a great chef, and this is what I do.” All those juices came running back from the 25-year-old guy who started all these restaurants. I was like, “I got this. I love this.”
How much, if any, of your identity was wrapped up in all this stuff?
Tons. That’s the danger. That’s even the problem with people who have that victim mentality. Your identity, even if negative, feels more comfortable than the unknown. It was definitely my identity. It was ego. It was moving too fast. If I look back, what if I didn’t put all that energy? The power of no is huge. What have you said no to lately? Yes is like spending money. No is like saving money. Are you overdrawn? Where are you at? I should have said no.
Maybe if I put all the energy that I spent on the restaurant into prospecting, just like real estate, into being relentless with finding a new show, another angle, another avenue, who knows? It could have been different. I have no regrets. I’ve always said I love my life. You don’t get to pull out one ingredient and have the dish taste the same. The reality is you need that bitterness in there to offset the sweetness. That’s just the way it’s going to be, but there are lots of lessons.
That was one failure followed by another failure. How did that impact you?
Which one?
The show got cancelled, and the restaurant. Did you question yourself at any point in time?
I remember floating out of the water, whining. I had a fifteen-minute pity party on the water. I then said, “Are you kidding me? Enough. You have two choices. Stand up and go again or sit here and wallow.” It was a great opportunity. I love these moments because it’s time to practice what you preach. I immediately was like, “Next.” I cleaned off the carnitas under my fingernails, went to the open house, and double-sided a $3-million house the next weekend. It was like, “I’m back, and I’m going to transition this thing.”
How do you pivot that quickly?
I pivot that quickly by just asking myself again, “What is the better path here? Is it to sit here, whine, and be pitiful, or do I owe my family, my friends, and myself more than that? I have a responsibility here.” It was like the day Isabella was born, and then Sebastian. I was like, “I got a responsibility here.” I felt the same way for my wife, and I felt the same way for myself. All these quotes started rushing through my head. That’s what I love about everything you and I do and everything we’re trying to share with people. If you can build up the armor, then it’s just ting. If you have no armor, you’re eviscerated with the first bump. All these quotes came rushing back into my head.
I’ll never forget. It was an Abe Lincoln quote, “Nobody succeeds in this world until they hit bottom.” I was like, “Sweet, I’m there. I only got up from here.” All those things came rushing in to reinforce. I had this army of helpers that I didn’t even know about, life, experiences, reading, studying, believing, and doing this stuff daily, not just for the show, but making it part of your life. All of a sudden, you’re like, “It helped me. It was there when I needed it.” I just had to be willing to tap into it and stop the pity party.
Using Failure To Unlock Success
Is there such a thing as failure? Do you feel like you’ve ever failed?
I feel failure is the needed ingredient for success. If you are afraid of failure, then you can’t succeed.
You are not going to succeed without failing. There’s no way. I’m sure people have heard it before. Failure and success are two sides of the same coin. You’ve got it. You’re not going to have one without the other. There’s no way around it. Life is not just a straight shot up. Both of our lives are proof of that.
If you have no armor, you will be eviscerated with the first bump. Share on XI want to say one thing, and then I have a question for you. The key to failure is to fail fast and fail often because that’s when you get juiced. It’s those lessons that you learn from. The key is to just fail fast. There’s no point in digging in if it doesn’t make sense. Here is the question I have for you, Steve. Did it feel any different to be done with football? From an outsider’s point of view, it could be like, “Of course, he knew he’s done. It has a shelf life,” because it is for athletes, for the most part. Did that feel different than not having Telus work out the way it was supposed to? How are those two things different for you?
When football ended due to an injury, looking back on it, I think I went into a minor depression for about six months.
How many years did you have left if you hadn’t gotten injured, probably?
I might hopefully would have played ten years.
That’s a lot. I don’t remember that. In that case, that is a big deal. How did that work out?
I got a job. I forget even what job I had. I go to work every day and then come home and go to bed. I was just in a funk. You get over that. It was like with you. One day, I woke up and said, “No, this has got to stop.” Katerina hated me for five years. She hated that decision. She never believed in it. “No, I can do this.” I just ran into a buzzsaw with the guys I was in business with. We just didn’t see things the same way. I just woke up one day and said, “Done.” I pivoted.
How did you pivot? What did you do for yourself to pivot? How did you get through that? Tell us.
What I realized is you have to figure things out. When things don’t work out, you’ve got to figure out what comes next. I tried to hook up with another real estate company, and that didn’t work out. I went back in. I was still coaching, and then Compass came along. I met Robert Reffkin and developed a relationship with him.
That same story may not have played out. Now, you’re killing it more than ever. Performance coaching is epic.
The failure is just part of the deal in life. There’s no way. Getting back to something we discussed earlier, the whole idea of being curious, I think most people wake up like, “How am I going to get through today?” instead of, “I wonder what’s going to happen today.” It is being so open, curious, and not attached. There’s a distinction. I was reading a book by David Brooks, and he talks about the difference between detachment and non-attachment.
Tell me because that’s new to me. Explain that.
Detachment is when you’re checked out. You numb yourself out, and you’re just going through the motions. Non-attachment is you’re still engaged in the process fully. You’ve got everything going on. Whatever’s going to be is what’s going to be. You’re not owned by a specific outcome. You and I are great examples of this.
We’ve got talent, and stuff keeps happening. There’s just no guarantee. In life, everyone is just creating this illusion about what life is. Life is just life. Live it right here, right now in front of you. It is this whole idea of, “I want this, and I want that. I want all these things.” If you can get to the place where you simply embrace and love who you are, you want what you have right now, and you’re open and curious to whatever comes next, what more do you need?
That’s everything, Steve. That’s all there is. What I believe to my core is that if anybody can live what you just said, the energy you show up with is superhero stuff. Everything in life is about feelings. It’s not the best listing agent that gets the listing. It’s the one who gets the most connections. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy because you just show up differently. If the whole focus cannot be what’s everything that needs to get done in my life, but just on the next thing, I’m just going to do the next thing, and then the next thing. That is so much easier than everything.
The Power of Bringing Your Best Self
You’re a bright guy, and you’ve been doing real estate for 23 years. Are you doing anything different today than 23 years ago?
Only bringing my best self.
You got better, but are you doing anything?
No, you taught me that from day one. Talk to people. That’s it. The six things you said are perfect, but the number one is just to talk to people.
Cultivate a relationship. That’s the focus of all this. Help me, help them. Tell them, Jeffrey.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t even think about anybody else. The only thing you have to do is wake up and say, “Am I doing what I promised myself I would do? Am I getting a little bit better at it each day? Am I going to sleep feeling like I’m living the life I want to live?” If you can do those three things, that’s all you have to focus on because it doesn’t matter what anybody else is doing. This was such a wake-up call to me. Over the years, you see somebody who’s announcing all the listings and seems on fire.
Everyone else is always on fire. You’re the only one who’s ever not doing anything.
You get the rankings, and we’re 30 steps above them. They’re not even on the list. You’re allowing those people to get into your psyche. Not that that even matters, by the way. Who cares where you are on the list? The point is, if you want to clarify it, they’re not doing any better than you, 90% of the time. More importantly, it shouldn’t be about anybody else. I can’t think of anything more exhausting. You want to talk about outside the circle of control? The world and everybody else’s success or failure? I don’t have nearly enough energy to do that. All I want to do is wake up and say, “I’m being the Jeffrey I’m trying to be. I love my life. What don’t I love? Let me fix that because there’s a process for that.”
You are the antithesis of 24/7. That makes you want to throw up. Speak to that.
You said the greatest thing to me years ago. I had twelve escrows at once going, and I was getting very uneasy. I think you just called me out and said something like, “You need balance. You love to have balance. You want to make sure you’re doing all your fun stuff. You care so much.” Part of balance is knowing that it’s okay to be out of balance. Part of moderation is knowing that there’ll be periods where you’re not in moderation. I want to make that piece very clear. When you can make hay, make hay 24/7.
Strive to be better for each client, not just do more clients. Share on XWhen it’s coming your way, get up on the table and scream, “Give me more.”
Raise the ceiling. Other than those moments, when I leave on this motorcycle and I get hit, my last thing will be a smile. No should have, could have, would have, I lived the fullest. I love the people in my life. I made myself the best self I could be. To me, that is the litmus test. Going on 24/7 doesn’t solve anything except give you high cholesterol, probably heart disease, and misery. You’re better off smoking 100 packs of cigarettes a day than being stressed and trying to fix things.
I’ve always had the opposite. We talked about this in one of the last episodes. As a cook, a reduction is taking liquid that has little flavor and you boil it down until the non-essential stuff, the water, goes away. You’re left with just the flavor. I want to be a reduction. I want to be better for each client, not just do more clients. I want to be better for my family, not just have more vacations. It’s the time. I think Ryan Holiday even said that. It’s the moments between the moments where the magic is. Everyone waits for the big vacation or that great quality time with the kids. No, that drive to school. They’re not going to talk to you then, but all those little moments are when the magic happens. If you’ve got a pedal to the metal 24/7 mentality, you’re going to miss all that.
Who am I to decide other people’s lives? That’s why I always say you need to first define that personal constitution, like I have. If you haven’t defined what a great life is for you, then how do you expect to know if you’re having it? If you decide, “24/7 is a great life for me. I’m just going to work myself to death,” and that’s truly your personal constitution, then congrats, you’re doing it. If you haven’t stopped to say, “What does that look like?” Going on 24/7 is not valiant. You’re cheating. You can’t be good in twenty hours? You’re pathetic. You’ve got to be 24/7? You should be ashamed of yourself. If that’s what it takes for you to do well, you’re not focused on the right things.
Just Keep Going
As we end, I’ll read this from Ego Is the Enemy. “Do we love the struggle? Do we love the work? Do we love the process? Do we love the pain and disappointment, or do we chase short-term attention and validation?” That’s what most people are doing. You and I are testaments that life is up and down all around. It’s all the same. Success and failure are the same thing. You’re giving your best effort. Sometimes, it works out, and sometimes, it doesn’t.
The key is to just keep going.
It goes back to where we started, your circle. Be hyper-aware of what’s in the circle. That’s where you focus all your effort, all your attention, and all your energy on what you control, which is simply your inner world.
It is also a way shorter list.
There you go.
Cheers.
Thank you.
The best, as always.