Being on the same page as your partner isn’t just about avoiding conflict — it’s about creating shared purpose and lasting harmony. In this heartfelt reflection, Jeffrey Saad explores how couples can thrive together through a “Couple’s Constitution,” a framework for aligning values, priorities, and communication. From defining personal principles to carving out time for self-care, family, and fun, he offers a roadmap for building a relationship that evolves through every life chapter. By committing to mutual understanding and growth, couples can create connections that deepen with time and intention.
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How To Be On The Same Page And Thrive As A Couple
Crafting Your Personal & Couple’s Constitution
Last time, we talked about the Couple’s Constitution. If you missed that, it might be worth going back to that. Even before that, The Personal Constitution. I wrote this many years ago for myself. It has been modified very respectfully and gently over the decades because I take it seriously. The whole idea is that a personal constitution is your internal compass. It’s the way you make decisions.
It’s what guides your life. You have this wonderful constitution. I believe it’s how my dreams have come true. I look back at it. I’m like, “That has been my way to make decisions.” Otherwise, you’re making decisions in the moment, personally and professionally, based on whatever you’re feeling at the moment. It is not quite as reliable as having something consistent that you’ve thought about, that you believe in. With a couple’s constitution, I’m realizing more than ever how important that is.
There’s a woman at the gym. I saw her. She’s awesome, full of energy, and always talking to everybody. I said to her, “How is the emptiness going?” Her last son went to college. She hasn’t spoken to her husband in a week. They don’t talk. They’re not in a good place. It raises again the importance of such a basic concept that yet oftentimes isn’t executed, is missed, or is lost in the craziness of life. It is this joint communication of what you agree on and how you want to live your lives. Not talking for a week is obviously not going to solve anything. That’s the interesting thing.
I’ve said many times. This woman psychiatrist, a famous therapist, said, “You have two choices. Get married three times, or evolve three times.” The person that you’re the wild, young childless couple with out partying is a very different person than the parent, which is then again, a different person than riding off into the sunset when your hip hurts, your leg hurts, and you don’t have the same energy. You want to be good for yourself and for each other through all of those chapters. Whether you’re about to get married, you’re never going to get married, but you found your person, you’re in the middle of those chapters, or you’re struggling at the end of the last chapter, consider doing this couple’s constitution.
Last time, we talked all about why and what it is and everything. This time, I want to talk about how to set you up for it and how you might be able to do it with your person, the person you dream of. My wife, the woman of my dreams, I still think she’s the sexiest woman on earth. I’m still madly in love with her. She’s still my best friend. We still laugh over the stupidest stuff. We are still on the same page about our kids, life, and the things that matter. It’s a beautiful way to be. There’s no reason we can’t all be that way.
Life is so fast and furious, and the people around us from when we’re young have so much influence that it’s easy to just run headfirst into life, full throttle, without ever stopping. Share on XThe first thing I’d say, in a perfect world, do your personal constitution first because if you haven’t decided what’s most important to you and how you want to live your life, it’s going to be that much harder to figure out how to be the best you can be for your person and what you need from them. Let’s say you haven’t done that yet. A few questions to sit down with each other. My idea is that you sit down with each other. You first agree, “Do we think we need this?” At the end of the day, I always say I have no judgment. Thank God everyone is not like me. What a scary world that would be.
Living Authentically: Questions For Self-Reflection
It’s always about waking up and saying, “I love my life. I love my partner. I don’t need anything, or I need very little. I got this.” Perfect, then you don’t need me. Hit stop. If the two of you say, “Is this something we could benefit from?” then sit down and first answer these questions either individually or together for yourself. Am I sure that I’m living my most authentic life doing what I meant to do? I can die any day. I won’t have regrets about what I was waiting to do. I talk about that with my little bout of cancer. It was a rewarding experience to say, “If this doesn’t go a good way, it’s true. It happened.” I’ve been living my life joyfully every day, doing what I believe in doing.
I don’t have a bucket list that’s so big. I can die, and it’s okay. That’s taking it to a negative place. It’s important because you don’t want to have to answer that question when the time comes. By the way, I would rate all of these on a 1 to 10. My favorite way to do a scale like this is to say, “Rate it on a 1 to 10, but you’re not allowed to say 7 because seven is to me such a cop-out.” I’ve been guilty of it. It is such a cop-out, safe answer, “Seven, it is not terrible and not great.” If you can’t say 7, that means it’s either an 8, which is pretty good, or a 6, which is not so good. That’s where the opportunity comes. That’s where the learning comes from. With each of these questions, rate them 1 to 10. You can’t say 7.
Third question, I have no facade. Who I am and what others see is the same thing. Think about that one. One of my favorite sayings is, “Who would you be if you weren’t who you thought you were?” Life is so fast and furious. Parents and people around us from when we’re young have so much weight and so much influence. Sometimes, it’s so easy to run headfirst into your life, start doing stuff full throttle, never stop, and go, “Is this my authentic self? Is this who I want to be? Is this what I want to be doing?” I always tell the story of when I first got into real estate in Beverly Hills. It was like, “I guess I should wear a suit because other realtors are wearing suits. I guess I should trim my hair a little bit.”
What’s the emotional ROI? You can make all the money in the world and have an incredible bottom line, but if it costs your well-being and keeps you from living your most authentic life, is it really worth it? Share on XI didn’t trim it that much. I kept it pretty long. You have this idea of what you’re supposed to be, but all of a sudden, you look like everybody else. When I lost the suit and started wearing short-sleeve shirts, or t-shirts, with shirts open and tattoos showing, I felt so much more authentic in who I was. I was okay knowing that if somebody didn’t want to work with me because of that, perfect. It wasn’t a fit anyway. It is because I’m not trying to deceive anybody. I want to connect with people who want and need me and who feel like it’s a fit. The same thing for me.
Prioritizing Emotional ROI Over Financial Gain
Fourth question, I will not sacrifice my emotional return on investment for my ROI. ROI is a classic term for return on investment. Everybody thinks about that if you’re in business. What’s the ROI? My question to you is, what’s the emotional ROI? Making all the money in the world is great. Having an awesome bottom line is great, but if it’s at the cost of your well-being and stopping you from living your most authentic life, the life you want to live, then is it worth it? Again, rate it on a 1 to 10. You can’t say 7.
Next question, my desire for stuff over quality of life on a 1 to 10. If having stuff, the best car, the best purse, or the best vacation, is number one for you, then that would be a 10. Your desire for stuff over quality of life is the big question. I live in LA. I’m in real estate. I’ve been a chef. I’ve traveled all over the world. It’s very tempting and easy to want more stuff and to want the best of stuff. By the way, stuff is fun. Stuff is enjoyable. I always say, if you’re using stuff, it’s great. If you’re being used by stuff, it’s bad. If stuff is stopping you from having freedom, from being able to take a breath, because once you’re on that treadmill, as they say, or the flywheel, can you stop it?
If you're using stuff, it's great. If you're being used by stuff, it's bad. Share on XNext question, making sure I have at least two hours a day for myself and two hours a day for my loved ones. I pick two hours a day because that’s my thing. It doesn’t mean it’s your thing. In general, it sets up the framework. On a 1 to 10, how much do you make time for those things? We all say family is most important. We all say, “It’s good to take care of yourself.” I know I need to work out, eat right, have my meditation, and have my whatever time it is that’s important to you, but do you do it?
Next one. Balance in life is the most important thing to me on a 1 to 10. You can’t say 7. A lot of these things are cliché. I find the most fascinating thing to be the cliché things. The obvious things are that way for a reason. They work, and they’re the most valuable. We’re always looking for the harder way to do things because it feels more intelligent, a more complicated way. Add more steps, but I’m all about keeping it simple.
The Reduction is the name of the book that my coauthor Steve Shull and I are about to publish. The reduction is getting rid of all the water in your life, like when you reduce the sauce. You get rid of the water. It becomes thicker, more flavorful, and more savory. That’s how I want life to be, at least for me, and I hope for you, the most savory life. Is balance the most important thing to me? If you say it is, and you write a 10, like all these questions, then you’ve got to be honest with each other and with yourself and say, “Is that actually how our life is unfolding?”
The next one is in line with that. Am I willing to trade balance for the pot of gold in the future? That’s doubling down on that same question. Am I willing to trade balance for the pot of gold in the future? If you are, and that’s your thing, how you get the most joy, and who you want to be, then put a 10. That’s great. I’m willing to sacrifice everything because I know I’m going to make my billions, then I’ll be able to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it on my yacht. If that truly brings you joy, and that truly is worth the daily sacrifice of whatever else you might be missing out on, then that’s your 10. If you say you’re not willing to trade that, again, look at your life.
Are you trading that? Are you making it to the kids’ sporting events? Are you making it to the thing that your partner says is important to them, that you join them at? Is it always, “Sorry, I got this call. Sorry, I have to go to work. Sorry, I had to cancel that. I got to postpone that. I got to do this because I’m not having that balance?” My coach said this to me years ago in real estate because I was always so ferocious about balance in life and doing everything, “Sometimes, balance is being out of balance.” That’s okay, accepting that you’ll be out of balance, but it should be the exception. If you’re out of balance every other day or even multiple times a week, then it is no longer an exception. You’re not sticking to what you believe was a balanced life. Think seriously about that.
Another one, the enjoyment of the journey is more important than the desired result. It is the opposite of the last question. On a 1 to 10, the enjoyment of the journey is more important than the desired result. That’s me for sure. I smile huge. One of the most cherished periods was when my restaurant failed miserably in Studio City many years ago. It was the last restaurant. When I look back, I smile because the journey was great. I loved building a team. I loved getting in the kitchen, doing my specials, creating the menus, waiting on people, and spreading joy throughout the restaurant. My wife woke me up one night. I walked up to her, and I said, “Isn’t this great?” She said, “No, we’re losing our assets. This is not great.”
For me, the journey was so great that I wasn’t focused on the fact that it wasn’t successful. I needed her. Thank you, Nadia. It was time to move on from that chapter. I have a life of no regrets because I’ve loved the journey. To me, that’s an important thing. This is all we got. We got one life. More importantly, we have one day, today. That’s all we ever have. If you had a choice between tuning in to my show every day or reading The Power of Now and making it your Bible, if you could only do one of those, I’d say read The Power of Now and make it your Bible.
At the end of the day, that book sums it up. It’s all about today. You never had a yesterday. You’ll never have a tomorrow. All you ever have is today. That’s where life unfolds. I always say I never have more than one thing to do, the thing in front of me. I never have more than one person to think about, the person in front of me. I only have the work that’s right in front of me. I don’t get overwhelmed with what I have to do in the next two days, next week, or the next year. It is because I know that if I do what’s right in front of me well, with all my heart and soul, with the client’s best interest in mind, it’s all going to work out.
It's all about today. You've never had yesterday, and you'll never have it tomorrow. Share on XAnswering those individually or together will be a great base for you because those answers should help dictate what this couple’s constitution will look like. If this is appealing to you and you haven’t hit stop yet, going back and doing your own personal constitution separately first is the best idea. It is because without the influence of your partner, you’re going to bring your true self to the table, your personal constitution. If you have a personal constitution, they have a personal constitution, and they’re vastly different, that doesn’t mean you can’t be together and be happy forever after. It does mean you’ve got some work to do to find out how you both get to live the life you want to live and still be an amazing couple.
Key Relationship Categories: Time, Money, Self-Care & Fun
As my daughter says, “One plus one is three.” That’s what a relationship should look like. Each has their own awesome life. The two of you together create something even bigger and better, not just an endless trade-off sacrifice to each other, but a joyful reunion of what matters to both of you. Once you’ve got all that, then in our book, we break it down into categories, the categories that seem obvious that affect most of us by all means. You may have your own different categories, and that’s great, too. To get you thinking, write these down. They are mind, time, relationships/children, money, work, self-care, and fun. Delete some categories. Add some categories. It’s up to you.
Typically, these are all the different things that obviously make up life and that will affect your relationship. The first one is the mind. Please read our book, The Reduction, as soon as it comes out. That’s all about starting with what your mindset is going to be, and how you are going to show up each day as your best self. Having a little bit of that conversation with each other and outlining what that should look like is valuable.
For example, with Nadia and I under mind, we haven’t actually done this written couple’s constitution, so I’m going to end up probably doing it with you. Nadia and I, after 30-some years together, are blessed that we got there the hard way, which is what I talked about in the previous episode. You have two choices. You can do this together now while you’re still happy, or you can get to a very scary place, which is what happened to Nadia and me, and then pick up the pieces and do this. We’ve done it naturally over time, which is what most couples do.
You either figure this out without actually knowing you’re doing it, or you end up not happy. I’d love your feedback on this. Tell me, “You’re crazy.” I see it in friends that I love and in family that I love. Even couples that I know love each other and that generally have built a life together always have this friction, tension, and unresolved differences in how they at least make decisions, want to live their life, and want to spend their time. This is valuable. You sit down. Mind is the first one.
For Nadia and me, it is The Circle of Control, this whole show. We’ve agreed that that’s going to be our mindset. We’re not going to get worked up about stuff that’s outside of our control. We’re always going to start right off the bat with saying, “Is this something we can control?” If not, we’re going to let it go. If it’s something we’re willing to put our time and energy into and we think we can make a difference, great. Otherwise, let it go. That’s one example of mindset.
Another would be a huge one. Some of these overlap because this goes into communication as well. It is the mindset of not trying to be right. I see that with more relationships and more people in business in general, trying to be right. How fast do you go to google something to prove you’re right or to prove the other person wrong? It’s so invaluable. There’s no value to it whatsoever. Nadia and I have agreed. We’re not going to try to be right. We’re going to focus on the circle of control.
Giving your kids too much of yourself, making them the center of the universe, is not doing you or them a favor. They need to learn. Share on XTime is a biggie. The next category is time. Write these things down together. What can you both agree on will be your boundaries, your guardrails, and your use of time? We will not work after 5:00, no matter what. Maybe that’s not something you can or are willing to do. I always say ‘willing’ more than ‘can,’ but I also think it’s ‘can’ sometimes. If you have a brand new job and you’re expected to do X, Y, Z, and you’ve accepted that job, then you may have to live in that framework for a period of time, but what are you willing to do time-wise? That’s a huge thing right out of the gate.
Are you going to say, “That’s it? We will not schedule anything on the weekends because Saturday is our children’s time, our family time. We go to soccer games. If we don’t have children, we go do our sporting things that day or take our bike rides, go surf and walk, or whatever we do. Whether that’s together or separately, that’s the conversation. On Sunday, we always do this together. It is time-blocking. As a realtor, if you don’t time-block, you’ll never succeed because you have to be super organized and diligent with your time since you don’t have a boss, and you don’t have a schedule, or you’ll be in trouble. What time-blocking are you and your partner willing to do? What matters to you?
Navigating Relationships: Boundaries With Friends & Family
Another category, relationships or children. What will be your criteria for who you spend time with? This could be individual in your personal constitution. As a couple, my wife said to me one day, “Why are we saying yes to these people who invited us? We don’t feel like we’re going to be such great friends. We have tons of friends. We have our family. Whenever you say yes to one thing, you’re saying no to something else. Let’s agree that we’re not going to make plans if we don’t feel like it.” It sounds callous or cold, but the truth is we want deeper relationships, not more. There it is.
You are the average of the seven people you spend the most time with. Share on XA lot of couples suffer from that. One person wants to be the social butterfly, go out every night, go to restaurants, go to venues, bars, or whatever it is, and be social because they want to expand their circle tremendously. The more people, the better. The other one is exhausted and wants to sit at home and watch Netflix. How do you bridge that gap? You have to have an agreement on these relationships. What are we going to do? The relationships also mean children. For all you younger parents, don’t get mad at me. Don’t never listen to me again. I joke that our parents didn’t even know where the school was. Today’s parents don’t leave the school all day. That’s the two exaggerations.
The truth is somewhere in the middle there. Giving your kids too much of yourself, making your kids the center of the universe, is not doing you or them a favor. They need to learn that what they need and want is not always going to happen. Your time is your time, too. I used to say to the kids when they were whatever the age was, starting when they were four and seven all the way through being teenagers, “Your mom and I are taking this trip because she’s the reason you’re here. I adore this woman. We need our time together.” You want kids to see that as valuable. You don’t want kids to see worn-out parents who are exhausted, and being a parent must be horrible because you’re always mad and tired.
It is creating those boundaries even with your kids, with family. I hate to say it, but if you’ve read some of my first episodes, I had to cut my mom out of my life. It might sound impossible to many of you. It is not just because somebody is a family member. If they’re damaging your wellbeing, your family’s wellbeing, or your life, you’ve got to say, “Is that a relationship we want?” What is our criteria going to be for who we allow into our lives? You are the average of the seven people you spend the most time with. What couples do you want to hang out with? Make those decisions together.
Money is always the big one. I remember when Nadia and I were 30. I lost my cool because she came from need, always being short on money and on things because of the way she grew up. I came from abundance, even though it all turned to bankruptcy with my mother. My childhood was an abundant mentality. That’s the way I’ve programmed myself. I always believe that more will come and that things will be good. I will always find a way. Not everyone agrees on that. As they say, money is the number one or two reason for divorces. At least, that’s what people say. It is having this couple’s constitution of what your boundaries are around money.
Many miss out on fun because they either think they don't deserve it, or view it as a negative thing. Share on XThat ties into work as well because they can be connected, but at what point is the money not worth it? When I blew up at Nadia and we had this argument when we were 30 years old, I was killing myself working fourteen hours a day. I didn’t have the balance in the beginning because we moved to a new city with a new profession. I went from owning restaurants to being a realtor. I said, “I got to build a foundation and make this happen.” She was afraid of the investments I was making, the time I was putting into real estate, and all these different things.
I finally said, “You’re my life. I love you. Tell me right now you’re happy in a one-bedroom apartment, taking a one-week vacation to somewhere in the States every year, and living a very modest life. We’ll be together most of the time and with no stress, or at least a different kind of stress, maybe. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it. What I hear you telling me you want is that we want all these great things. We want to travel the world. We want to provide these things for our kids. We want this house.” That was a real moment for us.
It’s better that it doesn’t come to a blow-up moment. It’s better to have that as a calm conversation ahead of time. Where’s the trade-off? Where do we draw the line? For example, we draw the line at freedom. We value freedom more than anything else. We’re not going to spend money on a bigger house, a better house, or a better car, because we feel like we’d rather have the freedom of that money in the bank to take the two months off we took this summer. It is having a conversation around money and how you can be on the same page.
Same thing with work. Work is the next one. Are you both okay being workaholics? Is it okay for one of you to be a workaholic and one to stay at home? Who is the one who’s going to stay at home if that’s your plan with kids? Have an honest, open conversation. What does that look like? Maybe it’s okay if it’s in phases. “We started this new business. We know we’re going to have to double down. We both agree we’re throwing everything out the window besides work for the next eight months because we have to get this business up and running.”
Whatever it is, be on the same page. Otherwise, you’ll slowly fade away. One of you will somehow always be working. The other one will be disappointed and grateful that you’re bringing in the money, but not that happy. They start to fade and spend more time with other friends. Next thing you know, you barely know each other, like this woman at the gym. They’re not even speaking. It is having those conversations.
Self-care goes in the personal constitution for sure, but it’s also part of the couple’s constitution. What do I need to know about what you need so that you can have your self-care? For Nadia, my wife, having a lot of alone time is important for her self-care. She doesn’t want stimulation. She cracks me up. We’ll literally be in the middle of a dinner party. She is the most social, vibrant, beautiful, and glowing woman you’re ever going to be lucky enough to meet, but she knows her boundaries. We’ll be at the dinner table.
All of a sudden, she’ll get up, go outside, take a smoke break, and walk away for fifteen minutes. At first, I’d be like, “That’s rude. I got to carry the show now,” which I’m always happy to carry the show. I’m like, “Where’s my partner?” I realize I love that. I love that she knows her limits, and it’s okay. I don’t have to expect more from her. If you can have an agreement with your partner that this is how you’ll be and this is how you’ll help each other, so that each of you gets the self-care you need, that’s huge.
The Importance Of Fun: Reclaiming Joy In Your Life
The last category is fun. It’s amazing. We talk about this in our book. I live for fun. A lot of people miss out on a lot of fun because they either think they don’t deserve it or it’s viewed as almost a negative thing, like, “No, I should be working.” It’s amazing how many people, especially realtors, don’t want to say they’re on vacation or don’t want to say they took a Tuesday afternoon off to go to the beach. They feel like it makes them bad. “I can’t say that. I need to be working.” It is saying to yourselves, “What’s our definition of fun?”
It’s only for you to decide, but does it mean going to parties, laughing, and dancing? Does it mean taking long walks on the beach and joking with each other? What is your definition of fun? We need fun in life. If you stop having fun, what is the point? That’s what I love about kids. You always look at kids, especially little kids, and they get it. Fun is the default. Joking around, laughing, and being silly is the default. If we lose that, we lose a lot. That is a framework for you.
I’d love any feedback on this. If this is resonating and what would be helpful, I’m going to keep building this out. Steve and I are going to start doing workshops and coming up with forms that are helpful to build out this constitution. If you’ve got a constitution, you’ve got a way to live that you believe in. If you’ve got a way to live that you believe in individually, and as a couple, you’re golden. Have a beautiful day in The Circle. I hope that helps. I hope that makes your life a teeny bit better. Cheers.